Monday, July 4

Eight things that cause frustration in the couple but are actually normal


There have been a number of topics for a long time about romantic love that function as a measure of the normal, the acceptable, the predictable and the desirable in couple relationships. Among these topics is, for example, the idea of ​​the “better half”, the person who comes to complement and allows to live fully.

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Other such topics are claims that “the love conquers all“and it is enough for the relationship to work;” the love of your life is one and forever “;” if the other person loves me he will know what happens to me without the need for me to tell him “;” if I am not jealous of the other person what I feel is not true love “, etc.

Those concepts have been reinforced over the decades by Hollywood cinema and many other cultural constructions. Fortunately, in recent years psychology and other disciplines have done much to dismantle these beliefs, now considered “myths of romantic love“.

However, many sensations or events that originate in couple relationships continue to cause frustration in many people, despite the fact that –according to specialists– do not constitute a problem, but should be assumed as part of everyday life.

Listed below are eight of those things that often generate frustration but that –if they occur on specific occasions– should be accepted as normal, cited by the psychologist Aurora López, director of More Life Psychologists.

1. Getting bored

“The myths of romantic love have created soaring expectations about what to think, feel and do in a relationship, “explains López. And he adds that” many people do not reach that level and believe that they are not in love, that they are not doing well or that they have to get out of there ” .

But life is not a permanent party and, in the same way that there are moments of euphoria and passion, there are also others of rest, tranquility and even boredom. If it happens on specific occasions, a little boredom – which can actually be beneficial for creativity – should not be a cause for concern in a couple.

2. Do not feel “butterflies in the stomach”

The famous feeling of “butterflies in the stomach” (the result of chemical reactions in the brain) corresponds to falling in love, which – when it occurs – is the first stage in a relationship.

But after that first moment there is a lapse of knowledge and acceptance of the other person (and in particular of their defects, which at first seem non-existent or irrelevant), a reaffirmation of the will to stay together and a strengthening of the relationship.

If the “butterflies” are no longer felt in these next stages, it is because something has been deliberately built deeper and more solid foundations. The opposite of that experience – beautiful, but involuntary and volatile – of the initial infatuation.

3. Not sharing all tastes and interests

“Of course, having things in common is very important in a relationship,” says Aurora López. It is what allows you to share activities, spend time together and strengthen the bond. But this does not mean that both people should agree 100% of their interests and hobbies: they may have many dissimilar tastes, and this need not be a reason for conflict.

4. Have a “private life”

In many cases, the belief that the couple must function as one person remains in force, and therefore each of its members must tell the other everything they do, feel or think. But it is just another myth.

It is normal to seek to have a private space “in which your partner does not participate,” says López, and even “need other people or other things in certain moments more than him or her. “The healthy thing is not to be distressed when feeling that own need and also, of course, to accept it in the other person.

5. Don’t sleep hugging

The fantasy –reproduced by countless films, series and other products– consists of the couples who love each other sleeping embraced, always together and giving each other affection. Any image other than that seems like a sign of a lack of love.

Well, nothing could be further from reality. It is most appropriate for both people to seek the most favorable positions to the quality of your sleepAlthough that means that each one sleeps on one end of the bed and even in separate rooms.

Sleeping in different rooms can be especially beneficial for couples in which one of their members snores, if they have very different needs for light or clarity, if one suffers a lot from the heat and needs air conditioning but it hurts the other person, etc.

And, of course, none of that means that they do not love each other or that they love each other less. Rather the opposite, because love also implies understand and accept that the needs of the other person are not the same as their own, and that both have the right to sleep in conditions that are favorable for each one.

6. Have a past with other couples

We all have a past, and that past involves many stories. “You have fallen in love with other people, you have had sex with other people, you have lived a thousand experiences with other people and this should not generate guilt or fear in your new relationship, “explains Aurora López.

7. Feeling attracted to other people

This point is perhaps the most complicated. The romantic myth assures that “when you fall in love with someone and have a stable relationship, the only person who provokes you interest and attraction is your partner “.

The psychologist López explains that, as a result of this belief, she receives many people in her office who “are fatal” because at a certain moment they have been attracted to someone who was not their partner. They consider an infidelity and a betrayal, even if they had no interest in generating anything with that third person, and they become tormented by it.

Actually experiencing that is normal as long as not a recurring situation, but a specific case in which the person “is clear that it is only that and does not think of taking any step” in the direction of a concrete and real infidelity.

8. Masturbate

Being in a relationship does not mean that self-pleasure goes away. Masturbating is not a sign that something is wrong. But why does someone who has a partner masturbate? The reasons can be very varied: get immediate pleasure or without thinking more than yourself, release tension, try new things, etc.

In fact, masturbation can have benefits for the couple. Two of the main ones are, on the one hand, to prevent either party from feeling pressured to have sex, and on the other, to allow its members to better understand the pleasure points of their own bodies and to be able to share them later with him. other.

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