Thursday, July 29

Exclusive (and false) interview with Iván Redondo

Iván Redondo quotes me at the corner of Plaza España with Leganitos. I see him go far. He comes walking very fast and does not seem to intend to stop. I’m going after him.

Mr. Redondo, I’m the newspaper …

Follow me! Walk!

What happens? Is someone chasing you?

No, I think better by walking. All my great ideas have occurred to me on foot. Like the astronaut thing. Pedro wanted to put a professor in and I said: “Great! Why not, wait, I already have it, why not a ficus or, what do I know, a fern?” A professor, don’t miss it! Then it occurred to me. I was walking and, suddenly, it was clear to me. An astronaut. I DMed Buzz Aldrin, but he blocked me, so we got the one right here.

Was what Máximo Huerta’s idea was also your idea?

Not quite. I proposed to Blue Jeans, do you know him?

I think not.

It’s fantastic. The club of the misunderstood, Songs for Paula … Uncle sells tons. And he’s wearing a cap, which was just what we needed for the Ministry of Culture. Something that was, don’t you know, boom.

And what happened?

The barons of the PSOE, that happened. You take them out of Vargas Llosa and everything seems beatnik to them. If it were for Page, the BOE would be written in hendecasyllables.

Mr. Redondo, it is said that Sánchez fired you because you asked him for a ministry.

Yeah, that was my idea too.

Was kicking him out your idea?

Correct. I said: what if I ask for Defense and you think it is intolerable and you throw me out?

But … why would he do something like that?

For the same reason that George Mallory climbed Everest. For the same reason that Columbus left for the Indies. Because there are men, men like me, who cannot avoid greatness. We are disruptive by nature. Sometimes I even get cramps.

But then, did he want the ministry or not?

Of course not! Defending? What was I going to do in Defense? The real power is not in the pumps but in the neurons. Give me a press release and I’ll take over the world. Look at Judas.

What Judas? The Apostle?

How many Judas do you know? It is my reference. Judas freaks me out. It was the first spin doctor in history, did you know? The uncle took Jesus, who was just another flute dog who was walking around with his sandals and his beards and all that. But he took it and said, “Trust me, do what I tell you, and in three years you will be king of the Jews.” How can you say no to that? If you think about it, and it’s ugly for me to say it, but, if you think about it, it’s what I did with Pedro.

But that doesn’t explain why I fired him.

For God’s sake, boy, do you want to make the effort to think outside the box for a minute? Pedro hasn’t kicked me out! I have thrown myself through it. Judas betrayed Jesus to make him king of the Jews, and I asked Peter for Defense to make him president of the recovery. I threw myself down a ravine to make him immortal!

I see. And now that? What are your plans for the future?

Reinvent Latam.

Are you going to America?

America comes to me. Have you seen what is happening in Cuba? All those demonstrations? It’s mine.

What does it mean? Have you organized them?

Well, not exactly. But I thought about it before it happened. That means the zeitgeist and I are aligned, you understand? I am one with the spirit of the times. Actually, I think I’m a little ahead. A day or so.

Mr. Redondo, I’m really enjoying the conversation, but I think I’m going to have to stop. He is giving me the flatus.

Flatus is on your mind. If you don’t think about flatus, you can’t get flatus, it’s a fact.

Yeah, well, it’s hitting me. It was a pleasure, Mr. Redondo.

Modulate reality, boy! And never give up! Be like Judas! Be like me!



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