Thursday, September 16

Exclusive (and false) interview with Juan Carlos I

Juan Carlos I quotes me, by video call, at 10:30 in the morning (12:30 in the United Arab Emirates). Show up promptly, with tanned skin and wet hair. In the background, palm trees and white columns. Dressed in a Dolce and Gabbana swimsuit, he serves me lying down in what looks like an authentic sumatran tiger skin.

Your Majesty, good morning.

Good morning from Abu Dhabi!

First of all, I would like to know how you are.

Horrifying! Fatal! I have not been able to sleep. Last night they had an Afghanistan themed party at the hotel. Until seven in the morning it has lasted, can you believe it? I left at half past five because the Taliban disguise was killing me. I don’t know how they can go around with those beards, I really tell you.

Your Majesty, you will know that you are in the eye of the informative hurricane here in Spain.

I carry Spain in my heart. There is not a day that I do not check the status of my accounts in any of the banks that are a source of international pride for all of us.

Yeah, well, but you know why they are talking about you, right?

I know there is some confusion regarding my job performance.

He is accused of charging commissions in the works of the AVE to Mecca.

Nerd, take care. What I did was charge for my services, no more, no less.

And what services were those?

Crossbar advice.

Crossbar advice?

Yes look. You tell people “ways”, and what do they think? On the rails. It’s a very common mistake. They think about the rails. Everybody. But what about the crossbars? Without cross members, the rails would separate due to expansion processes and, by the time you want to realize it, a tragedy has set in on you.

I understand, but what exactly was your advice?

He would send SMS to the construction company and tell them: “don’t forget the crossbars”. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have saved millions of lives. Kid! One more caipirinha!

You had an account at a Swiss bank.



For the pans. They gave away a set of Teflon pans, and I have always been very Teflon, those who know me well can tell you. In general, everything that is polymers drives me crazy, but Teflon in particular loses me. What resistance to heat! What non-stick!

It is known that the Saudi Arabian Ministry of Finance deposited tens of millions of euros into that account.

The one with the pans?

The one from Switzerland, yes.

Yes? Ah, yes, shut up, I already remember. That was for the Hemnes.

The Hemnes? What is the Hemnes?

A closet. From IKEA. To the Saudi Finance Minister loves Nordic design. All very white, very bland. And he was infatuated with the Hemnes. But in Saudi Arabia there is no IKEA, of course, so he made a fake IP and bought it in the one in Vallecas. I don’t know if you know, but Abu Dhabi is five thousand six hundred kilometers from Vallecas. They charged him 120 million euros to take it home, and I said to him: “don’t talk nonsense, man, how are you going to pay that for an IKEA piece of furniture? I’ll bring it in half.”

It is not the only scandal that haunts him.


No. In 2012, you made a donation of 65 million to Mrs. Corinna Larsen. Could you tell me why?

Boy, I didn’t know what to buy for her anymore. Corinna has always been very much hers for gifts. Once I gave him a Monet and he says: “I am allergic to water lilies.” How do you stay? Another time I thought of giving him a Bengal tiger, but he did so with his claw to his nephew and insisted on giving it back. You see, not even the first one-armed child! Total, that, in 2012, his saint arrived and I told him: “look, neither for you nor for me; take 65 million and buy whatever you want.”

Isn’t a gift something… excessive?

Man, that depends. For a needy, a Sprite is ambrosia, do you understand what I mean?

Perfectly, Your Majesty. Thank you for dedicating these minutes to me.

I, for Spain, what can be done. Kid, for God’s sake, bring my bloody caipirinha!

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